Charmed

by Miss Anata

Hello, I know, it’s been a while since I made contact. Unfortunately my current job kept me away from any semblance of normalcy, plus Charm and Love are perpetual critics (well, Charm is, Love keeps trying to convince me to go on dates).

A quick update is in order, my name is Loki, no I do not have a brother named Odin, I do not have children and I am not planning the end of the world, yet. I am tall for a girl, my hair is finally its normal brown color, and, as I have told my mother numerous times, I am not crazy. Although, now I kind of wish I were, it would explain a lot. Sigh. On that note, I didn’t sigh as much before I was saddled (metaphorically speaking) with Charm and Love.

Lately my life has gotten considerably weirder, barring the possessed earrings and the attached inconveniences (namely non-stop talking and a sporty pair of cherub wings on my back), so I haven’t really found an adequate way to explain it.

“Well, I could explain it quite well if you want Loki.” Shut up Charm.

“Hey, that’s not nice. Ooh, he looks cute, could you please ask him out.” You too Love.

“You can’t spend the rest of your life just typing you know.” Charm, if I start talking aloud, I might answer you instead of the actual people in the room. Now please, I am trying to come to terms with my fate by typing out the events that transpired.

“What does transpired mean?” Love, how old are you? “Never ask a lady her age or her weight.” Ugh, transpired, happened, occurred, ensued or befell me, how is it that you could say every noun in the dictionary but you don’t know what transpired means. “Nobody loves verbs.” Love is a noun or a verb. “Hey, when you can fall in love with jump, you can critic my lack of verbs.”

“Love, let’s just let her get on with her story. If it’s the one I think it is it should be fun.” Thank you, Charm.

Okay, so, how to begin. (“At the beginning?” Love, I was writing ironically. “What does..?” Ask Charm.) Now then, I worked in a history museum part time. Not long ago I had to quit because of certain circumstances beyond my control. (“Hey, tell them about the history buff I turned into a Dalmatian.” You just did Charm.)

Anyway, I went home to try and help my parents with their business of raising kelpies, a business I had avoided for obvious reasons, but necessity forced me back into my parents embrace. (“Your parents are fun. Why don’t you talk about them more?” Love, I’ve been over this before, when my parents’ names are mentioned in polite society, I get kicked out of Canada. “But we aren’t in Canada.” I’ve once been sent from Hungary to Canada just to be kicked out, now may I continue? Good. )

Now where was I, oh, kelpies. So, for the most part my parents had raised vegan kelpies (I hate the comparison but they were like the vegan vampires in Twilight), which ate only pigs, goats, fish and the occasional neighbor’s dog. The occasional neighbor is a given as well, much as even the most vigilant AA member falls of the wagon eventually, so do the kelpies. Anyway, my parents (whose names I will be avoiding so I don’t get kicked out of Canada), sent me to Nepal to try and sell the kelpies to their favorite buyer.

Nepal was interesting, the mountains, the snow, the yak herders, the yaks. I would go on but the business in Nepal only lasted a short while. Some of the yaks and their herders lasted less than that but I digress. (“What does that mean?” Love, look it up.)  Needless to say I had to race out of Nepal before the officials noticed and I was kicked out of Canada. So, on the way back home I stopped in Sweden to find horses that were brazen enough to try and mate with kelpies (funny thing, it works for the most part, but the female kelpie eats the male horse’s head off, like a praying mantis, what a strange world we live in) and to rest before taking the remaining kelpies to the buyer in England.

I was talking to a man about a horse when an odd duo passed through the town. Odd because, in the minute I turned to look at them, the street was completely empty, and when I turned back to the horseman, he had disappeared, leaving cloud of steam where he once was. I double checked the kelpies, there was no blood on their muzzles so it wasn’t them, and then turned back around to look at the duo.

The taller one looked just like what people expect an attractive Swedish man to look like, blonde hair, perfect proportions, etc. (“I wish you would have let me work my magic on him.” No, Love. Yes, it was tempting, but no.) For some reason he was wearing a chainmail turtleneck with a green tunic over it. It kind of made him look like Link from the Zelda series. (“Whose Link?” Nothing to worry your pretty little head over, Love.)  Walking next to him was a smaller person, who had pink hair with black roots, and was dressed a little, well, frumpy. I assume he/she lost a bet. I am sorry to say that I really wasn’t sure if it was a man or a woman, it was hard to tell. They made an odd couple whichever case.

Of course, who am I to talk, I’ve had to wear trench coats for the last three months. I try to make myself not stand out, but the coat counteracts it. I blame Love. (Charm gets blamed for other things, so don’t say anything Love.)

ow, because of Nepal I was trying to be cautious until I could get the kelpies to England for the last client of the year (no names, see previous reason). Of course, fate itself has completely given me a hypothetical shiv to the stomach, so of course Blondie and Pinkie came over.

“What are you doing?” said Pinkie, “We were supposed to be on a plane hours ago.”

“I wanted you to meet my mom,” Blondie replied, “I’ve already met your family.”

“Yes, like I’m reeeeaallly thrilled to meet your family, now hurry up.”

“Give me a second, I want to look at these horses,” Blondie then talked to me for two minutes in Swedish. I considered just nodding my head but, as stated before, my good sense had left me a while back. “I’m sorry sir, I don’t speak Swedish, at least not polite Swedish.” I finally replied. “I only know English and Spanish.”

“Oh, I am sorry,” he replied, his face turning a pretty shade of red, “I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“It’s okay; as my mother likes to say, I have a universal face. I’m Loki.”

“I’m Wiglaf, nice to meet you.”

“And I’m the bloody queen of Scots,” Pinkie stated testily, “Can we hurry up the pleasantries so I can go home?”

“He’s not very nice.” Love decided to butt in. “Can I make him love one of the kelpies?”

“Of course not, Love.” I replied. (By the way, how could you tell he was a guy? “Nothing to worry your pretty little head over.” Charm? “I’m not getting into this, just keep writing.” Fine.)

“Well then, I will just leave you two rude people alone. Humph.” Pinkie ran off, well not actually ran, but sulked.

“Sorry about Mordred, he’s had a lot on his mind, and in his ear,” Wiglaf said. Weird use of syntax, but who am I to judge. “Could I pet one of your horses? I haven’t seen any in a while. They look nice”

“Eeerr, I’m not sure you’d want to do that, they aren’t…” remember Nepal, “nice.” Given what I know about this guy, if the entire town of Bohulsän hides at the sight of him, something must be off.

I smiled, “Yes, if you really want to, be extremely careful, they hurt when they bite. Thantos here can take a pretty large chunk out of you.” (For those that are interested, the bite of a kelpie hurts more than that of a pitbull, a hyena, and a crocodile combined, not something that one wants to happen once, much less twice (in my case, twelve times, it hurts like, well, let’s just say it hurts).)

“Oh don’t worry, I’ve been around horses. I use to work in a stable.” He said.

“Yeah, well so did I,” my innate sarcasm accidently sparked my good nature, “my parents started a kelpie ranch after the horse market in the US, er, well, the skit hit the fan.”

“So I take it these are…”

“Yep, kelpies, every one of them except Thantos, she’s only half. No, you really do not want to know, the mental image alone can give nightmares.”

“As opposed to day mares?”

“Yeah, so, for your safety, you might to follow your boyfriend over there.”

“He is not my boyfriend.”

“I could change that,” Love said, “Could I please?”

“No, Love, I’m sorry.” I replied first to her and then to him (I’ve gotten really good at not looking at them when I’m talking, now I only look like I have a small tick, instead of drug induced hallucinations), “I’m not that good with this sort of thing, lo siento por favor.”

“It is okay, for some reason a number of people have been saying that. But you are probably right, I should get going. Bye.”

“Bye.” I replied. They were barely out of range before all of the villagers were back to their normal routine, the horse seller rematerialized in front of me.

“How on earth could you talk to him?” the horse seller asked.

“Was there some reason not to?” I asked.

“His father is an accountant for, well, you know.”

“Know what.”

“Well, I don’t exactly know, something shady, but the family is almost perfect. Eerily perfect. If I was you, I’d watch out for Vilhelm.”

“Vilhelm Who?”

“Vilhelm.”

“He doesn’t have a last name?”

“Nobody pays attention to it.”

“So how do I know which Vilhelm to watch out for, there are a lot of Vilhelms, not to mention Wilhelms and Williams.”

“Just watch out for Wiglaf’s father.”

“Oookay, so, how much do you want for that stud horse?”

“So you can feed it to the kelpies? No way am I selling to you.”

And for some reason, I was angry, which allowed my good judgment to leave. “Charm, turn him into a dog. If he’s lucky enough Thantos won’t see him.” As soon as the word dog left my mouth, a small Yorkshire terrier was in the horse sellers place. A fairly large void appeared in the place my conscience lives, so, I picked up the terrier /salesman and carried him across the street away from the tethered kelpies.

“I’m almost proud of you,” Charm told me, “that was almost evil. You kind of ruined it though.”

“Well, I’m proud of you,” Love countered, “If he had been eaten, how would I make him fall in love with you?”

“You two are impossible, you know that?” I asked.

“Yes, yes we do.” They replied in unison.

“So, can we follow pretty boy?” Charm asked.

I was shocked, “I expected that out of Love, Charm, but not from you.”

“He seems like he would look good on a leash.”

I blushed, “Well, as much as I agree, I am not into BSM.”

“As a dog you sicko, I am curious what kind of dog he would be.”

“You don’t know by looking?”

“No, for the most part it is out of my control what species I turn people into. Whether it’s trees, cats, or my favorite, dogs, it is a mystery even to me.”

“Now that you put it that way, I’m kind of curious as well. But it’s kind of rude to follow people around and I’m not really all that sneaky.”

“Charm can turn you into a dog,” Love chirped, “then it wouldn’t be too odd, maybe.”

“Is that really possible?” I asked.

“Yes, she’s done it before with our last master….”

“But?”

Charm sighed, “Our last mistress wasn’t exactly, well, sane. I turned her into a dog and she decided to live out her then considerably shortened life as a canine. So, I can turn you into a dog, but please don’t stay that way, okay?”

“Wow, I almost felt like you care for me.”

“I don’t, but if you are gone, so are the violent videogames, Love’s stash of romantic comedies on your computer, and I have to spend the next indeterminate length of time with a moody, love obsessed psychopath.”

“Who would that be?” Love asked confused.

“Okay,” I said, “I see, I’ll try it then. It should be interesting.”

“Yay,” Love exclaimed, “This will be more fun than the time we went on that dating show and everyone died from overexertion from…” I will say this, I don’t know if she’s innocent or not, but Love scares me sometimes.

Turning into a dog was as comfortable as having to sit next to your most controlling aunt; it was tolerable but only a little. The most awkward part was the fact that my clothes didn’t transform with me. I had to wrestle my way out as the kelpies eyed me with hunger.

“Well, I did not expect that,” Charm stated, “I pictured you as a Labrador, not a Wolf Husky mix.”

“Does it really matter, Charm?” I tried to say. Tried meaning all that came out was, “ruff, grrr, ruff?”

“She asked if it matters, Charm,” Love replied for me.

“How come you can tell what I’m saying Love and Charm can’t?” I barked.

“I took three years of dog in school. Charm chose cat with a minor in canary.”

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the mistress. Seems you changed a lot my lady,” a sarcastic voice spoke behind me. I turned around to see Thantos staring at me menacingly. She showed a sharp toothed horse smile before she spoke again, “If I had known I’d finally get a chance to eat you today, I would have skipped breakfast.”

“But I thought you liked bacon?” I asked as I backed away. I didn’t expect that as a dog I could understand other animals. Or that I was so close to the kelpies. This is probably bad, isn’t it?

“Princess, I tell you, if it weren’t for these muzzles your ma and da forced on us, all of our kind would devour yours. Eventually, they will fall off, and then we will feast.”

“Well, since you are tied up, I’ll just leave you then,” I replied, “I’ll be back to take you to England you mule of a kelpie.” As stated earlier, my good sense left me a while back.

I followed what I hoped to be Wiglaf’s scent, cinnamon, cloves, confidence and salted cod to a house that didn’t seem overly suspicious. The horse seller was probably just exaggerating about the weirdness surrounding the family. I hid in a nearby bush and waited, well, to be truthful, I wasn’t sure why I was waiting, I think I had gotten caught up in the moment because of the excitement. Okay, I shouldn’t have listened to my earrings, it’s that simple.  It wasn’t long before a blonde girl ran into the place, yelling something about her fiancé. The sound was more annoying than Love’s bad days. (“What are you talking about, I don’t have bad days.” Yes, you do. “She’s right Love.” Thank you, Charm. “Don’t, just keep writing, you’re almost to the best parts.”)

As an odd conversation slowly drifted out the window near my hiding bush, it sounded like someone had turned on the Maury show, a man with brown hair, casual business attire, and glasses went into the house. He smelled different than the other people in the building, like he wasn’t really part of their family. (If that is true, it proves my theory that people that are related smell the same; there is this one clan I know that all smell like baby powder, arrogance, and air conditioning. “We can test this later, get on with the story.” Sorry Charm. “Wait, confidence and arrogance have a smell? Yes Love, confidence smells like sweet pea and arrogance like tomato plants.)

It wasn’t long after that Wiglaf ran out of the house and sat down on the curb, he looked like someone had just told him that there was no Santa. At this point, I really felt stupid for succumbing to ear pressure, (“That is a horrible pun”. I don’t care.), and I was ashamed that I even considered having him turned into a dog for curiosity’s sake. So, I walked out from under the hiding bush and sat next to him, nudging him with my head.

“Oh, hey dog,” he said glumly, “have you ever had your entire world view changed in a moment?” I nodded, it’s happened at least three times. (“When?” Later, Love.) “It seems as if a lot of things I did are a little pointless now,” he continued, “that paper on recessive genes, the ‘my mommy is a saint’ mug for mother’s day, the twenty five hour long accounting course…” I placed my head on his shoulder in comradery (“Who are you trying to fool Loki?” Shut it.) “Oh well, things can’t get worse. I’d better help Mordred; I don’t know what they’ll do to him. Bye dog.” He then went back into the house. I sat there considering going back to the kelpies or staying to see what would happen.

“I feel a disturbance in the force,” Love suddenly said.

“Love, I don’t know what’s wrong with you but Star Wars is not,” Charm stated then paused in thought, “Oh no, she’s right. Not only that but it’s Bliss, Loki if you have any reason at all, please run away from the house now.”

“Ruff” I asked.

“No,” Love cried, “I haven’t seen Bliss in ages; go to the window, please.”

“Run,” Charm pleaded.

“Stay.”

“Run.”

“Stay.”

“Bark! Ruff ruf hmph ruff.” I, okay, I can’t write dog, so, here. “Stop! I’ll go peek through the window and then run, okay.” I said as Love translated.

“This is a bad idea.” Charm said. (“And I was right.” Can it.)

I walked up to the widow and stood on my hind legs. There was a floating orb in the room next to Mordred, and attached to the orb was another lady like Love and Charm, only garishly pink. I asked Love who it was. She looked at me with surprise. “You can see Bliss?” she asked, “I didn’t think other people could see her besides us.”

“Love,” Charm said, “Could you be an idiot later, you know that dead people and animals can see us, Loki is currently an animal. Now can we go, nothing good can come from…” Her statement was cut short by the smell of fire, something that could not bode well for anyone. One by one the buildings went up in flame and I remembered the kelpies. The string of curses that ran through my brain would make any sailor proud as I ran back to the tethers.

“Charm, change me back.” I gasped as I ran.

“I can’t,” she said, “Because of Bliss I can’t transform anything until we are far enough away from her.” I did learn something interesting, when dogs cuss it sounds like howling. I didn’t think that wolves howl at the moon meant F- youuuuuuuuuu.

When I finally got there the worst possible thing had happened, the kelpies muzzles had disintegrated, leaving them free. Thantos ran after me until I hid in a nearby burning building, then she and the rest of the kelpies ran from the flames and towards the sea, (most likely, they are in Ireland by now, sorry Irish people.) Once I was sure they were gone, I left the building and made it just in time to see Wiglaf put out the entire fire with a single bucket of water, (so far, I haven’t found a way to explain it, and I probably never will.)

“How did he do that?” Love asked Charm.

“No clue,” Charm replied, “At least things can’t get wor…” Both she and Love suddenly went ramrod stiff, their faces showing absolute horror. “Oh, no. Well, it’s been nice knowing you Loki, I’m sorry it had to end this way. Hopefully some wandering hobo finds us in the wreckage and buries your body.”

Love started bawling, “I’m going to miss you. I never thought I’d get to see so many romances. Good-bye!”

“What are you talking about?” I asked as Love translated.

“Bliss is angry and you’re going to die!!!” Love continued bawling.

“On a positive, in the split second she goes nuclear, I can change you back.” Charm consoled me.

“That is not helpful.” I barked.

There was a quick flash of light and the town disappeared. Then I was in a large crowd of people, the residents of Bohulsän, and I was human again. I was human again and alive…with no clothes on. Luckily, at least ten other people were naked other than me, but those ten other people didn’t have cherub wings sprouting from their shoulders. I manage to convince a nice old lady that I really needed her overcoat and that the wings were a part of a street performance I was preparing. I then used the four words that would get me out of the entire situation with deep regret but a small amount of my pride intact, my parents’ names, and in the confusion that followed; I was shipped off to Canada and then once again, kicked out of that country. I hope that this never happens again.

Now then, since this story is over, I’m going home.

Well, I was, but while I was distracted writing a certain pair of psychopaths pretty much ruined the coffee shop I’m in. Not only are half the people here now dogs, but the other half can’t keep their hands off each other. So now I’ll have to spend another two hours getting it all sorted out. On a positive note, until it’s done I get free coffee. Until next time, here’s my most ardent plea, someone, anyone, help me get away from these ghostly psychos.